Dendam Perawang Bunting

Inilah dia sedikit sedutan dari filem kegemaran aku yang inda lain inda bukan, berjudu Dendam Perawan Bunting. Memang susah untuk ku percaya bila aku terserempak dengan clip film ani di YouTube. Pada mulanya aku tu cuma buang boring, type dendam perawan bunting arah Google search. Inda semena-mena ada thumbnail bertajuk ""Filem Dendam Perawan Bunting 1988". Punyalah aku teruja, cakap pun inda guna. Tapi apabila sudah ku amati, yang ku sangka full length film ani rupanya cuma sedutan saja. Adooiii...!! Sedutan ani telah dimuatnaik oleh, what appears to be a Malaysian female who goes by the name Zaidatul Noraziha Kamaruddin.

Way Back

Day in and day out feeling like a miserable little twat hit in the face with a mid-life crisis. The latter pretty much describes the situation I'm in right now. However, I've decided to forego doom and gloom for this particular blog entry. Instead, I'm going to let you in on the other side of my favorite songs from back in the days. I shall in this post describe the significance of each song, what it means to me back then and how it has shaped the way I entertained myself in times of need. Most of these songs were once played on local radio stations so some of you who aren't citizens of this country may not be able to relate to what I am about to say. Okie dokey. Here goes nothing.

Gala - Freed from Desire

I can't find the radio version of this song on YouTube for some reason. Anyway, this song was a huge hit in Brunei. It was also one of the songs played at Jerudong Park simulator which is all the more reason for its inclusion on this list. Freed from Desire also ties in with other similarly popular tunes that came out in 1997. Most of which I also am going to include further down this list.

Des'ree - You Gotta Be

I've spent nearly two decades searching for this song. At first I thought it was sung by Gabrielle. The vocal style is a little bit similar to one another. I remember listening to this song when it was first aired on a tv commercial back in the mid 90s. God I can't exactly recall but it was probably some time in 1995? Either way, this is one of those long lost songs from my childhood and thanks to the internet (and my ex-wife), I'm finally reunited with You Gotta Be.

Mark Morrison - Return of the Mack

Not sure if this version represents the exact same song that I enjoyed a lot listening to as a kid growing up in the 90s. Return of the Mack also received a good amount of airplay on our local radio stations. Listening to it now in 2017 surely brings some good old memories.

Ultra - Say it Once

How about twice? Or a few times? This song doesn't get old but it has aged very well for certain. Simply one of my all time favorite. Whenever I listen to this song, things that immediately come to mind will be Tommy Hilfiger perfume for women and Volcano starring Tommy Lee Jones. One of the members looked a lot like my cousin from Singapore.

Diana King - Shy Guy

Oh Lord have mercy mercy mercy! How can anyone forget this song? While Shy Guy is a one-hit-wonder, the tune has made a lasting impression to those who appreciate good music and nostalgia.

Seal - Kiss from the Rose

Batman Forever has never made it to my list of favorite superhero films but the primary soundtrack that accompanies it does. The film is nowhere near iconic as the main theme that comes with it. This is one of two songs recorded by Seal that I really love to listen to whenever I get the chance, the other being the remixed version of My Vision with Jakatta.

Ini Kamoze - Here Comes the Hot Stepper

Again, I can't seem to find the actual music video for this song. This song is definitely memorable and I only realised about it after having forgotten it for over two decades. That 'na na' part is the reason why I remember this song because there was another song that used 'na na'. Both are ancient! Murderer!!

Inner Circle - Games People Play (Joe South Cover)

This is the song I previously hinted in the list above. While I haven't heard the original, the version performed by Inner Circle is one soul-lifting reggae tune. It's hard not to sing along to as well.

Fun Factory - I Wanna Be with U

So yeah, this is yet another addictive sing-along tune to ease your troubled mind. It is memorable, it is catchy, absolutely fun to listen to.

La Bouche - Be My Lover

The beats are simple. The hooks are catchy. This song is pretty much your average dance floor shaker from the 90s but it is simply nostalgic to listen to after all these years.

Bon Jovi - Always

I've never been a huge of Bon Jovi but they have such a phenomenal success in the industry which sees them gain massive following around the world. For this one, I consider myself as a casual listener. Nevertheless, I appreciate the band's effort in making this song because it sticks with me from the get go. And of course, as a kid I was curious as to what those man and woman are doing in the music video. It's not until 9 that I began to learn what it actually was! Damn I was innocent.

Savage Garden - To the Moon and Back

This song without a doubt was a massive hit worldwide. I loved it back then, I sang to its lyrics and I still pretty much do now. Seriously, who would forget the chorus? The atmosphere is rich with nocturnal delight and the spacey synthesizer effects help to further prove its worth as one of the best songs to have ever come out in 1997. Period.

Fun Factory - Do Wah Diddy (The Exciters Cover)

Originally written and performed by a girl group based in Queens, New York, Fun Factory dance remake was and still is a memorable gem that stood the test of time.

Fun Factory - Take Your Chance

We're still here at the dance floor and Take Your Chance is yet another tune that you can gyrate to. Fun Factory definitely had a fair share of chart success thanks to its unique and addictive music.

East-17 - If You Ever (Featuring Gabrielle)

"From the very first time that I saw your brown eyes, my lips said 'hello' and you said 'hi'. I knew from there you were the one"... Not sure if I got it right but this instant classic is way up there on my all-time favorite playlist. The music is simply beautiful. There is a lot of room for growth within its four minute run and Gabrielle's powerful vocal works in harmony with the rest of the boys from East-17. I mean, come on, this is way better than the garbage churned out by Kanye West and Nicki Minaj combined.

The Cranberries - Salvation

As much as I love listening to 'Zombie', it wasn't until I first heard Salvation that I began to truly appreciate The Cranberries. Salvation didn't actually reach chart success on local radio stations but the song was a staple for much of 1996. Like most of the songs listed here, this is simply nostalgic.

Gabrielle - Give Me a Little More Time

I think this is the first song from Gabrielle that I have ever listened to. It has a massive sound but the overall pace is replete with grace and humility; a fitting debut from lovely Gabrielle. I was listening to this song while waiting for The X-Files to air on local tv.

Bryan Adams - Do I Have to Say the Words?

We downshift the gear all the way to 1991 but it wasn't until two years later when Bryan Adams released a compilation titled So Far So Good that 'Do I Have to Say the Words' became my all time favorite. Not gonna lie, I didn't know who he was until after I listened to the compilation. I was really a small kid at that time.

Celine Dion - Falling into You

You think I'm kidding, right? I'm not. Although I kind of observed how lots of people are making fun of her on the internet, Celine Dion is one hell of a singer. Her voice is mesmerizing. This is the song where she shines the most and it's a lot less cliched than, say, My Heart Will Go on (although I love that song too). The title track is sung in ethereal passion (that's as close as to how I think it is). The saxophone solo is also very effective in letting your mood sink into the song's majestic composition.

I'm going to continue the list for another entry on another day. I'm currently typing this around 0204 hours in the morning and my revenant-like mother is as restless as ever, rambling about things that are so difficult to comprehend. Expect more nostalgia coming your way on the next episode!

Too White to Understand

I let the picture do the talking

Edge of Sanity

So here I am, languishing inside my room of old. At this very moment, my mom meracau racau pasal ia sudah lali. She's been hit in the head one too many time. No kidding. Each and every night she would ramble about petty things, getting mad if we seemed to ignore her bellyaching. You see, Islam mewajibkan umatnya untuk mentaati parents. I'd say damn well we should. Looking at her now is like staring at my future. Will I end up like her? Given our family history, it's really not that impossible.

It is now a struggle trying to make her stay in bed and fall asleep. My asshole siblings are having trouble sleeping too at night because of what our mother has become. Well, I for one have to put up with her shit as long as she is alive because it would be to obvious if she dies in my care. Guess I'll never remarry. I am broke. BND$1 is all I have left in my wallet. Top that off with being unemployed, and you have a perfect recipe for a fucked up life beyond recognition. It's really depressing, from having to take care of my sick demented mother to realising the fact that I may as well end up as a failure in life. Something that I thought was behind me when I was first married to my then wife.

I don't even know how my son is doing now. All I know he is being well taken care of by my ex and her sister. I guess I would never know if I were able to spend time with him anymore. At least not while my parents are still alive. But even if they are dead it would probably be too late by then. Yes. This is the point in life where I feel like a complete failure. My other siblings they have it all. They have jobs, they keep their wives, they keep their husbands (sic), they have children, they have money. But I? Nothing. And that's exactly what I have right now. All I'm gonna do now is to wait until my mother rot from natural causes. I never regret saying things about my mother that most people deemed horrible. She never did too anyway. Why would she? She has said pretty much every horrible thing imaginable, and she still is pretty much now.

In between her dementia-fueled senilistic tirade, I was surprised that she has expressed concerns about my wife and kid. Of course, she doesn't know the truth yet. I leave that to my other whore of a sister to spill the beans because that's what that whore is good at. Anyway, her concerns although legit in nature, they aren't warm with sincerity. In all honesty, my family doesn't give a fuck about me, let alone my wife and kid. My dad in particular is a complete asshole who never gives a fuck about my kid or the fact that I have one. All he knows is trying to get me to return to the very house in which I am currently imprisoned at the moment. To him, I am nothing more than his property in human form. And he's been breathing down my neck ever since he found out that I was unemployed early this year. The plan was for me to get some cash and get the fuck out of this country. But that plan was cut short. All because I was trying to play both sides, between pleasing my unbelievably mentally ill family and fulfilling my duty as both husband and father at the same time. It's so easy for you to say that I should as a husband know how to manage this seemingly trivial bullshit. It is not. Especially when every one is trying their best to pull me into the vortex of inescapable agony while they gleefully flee from the resulting maelstrom of depravity.

At this point I highly doubt that things are going to change for the better. It's only getting worse from now on. And I am smacked dab in the middle of everything that is wrong. Depressed much? You bet. Without a job and having no money while taking care of a senile, rotting abomination, there isn't that much of an option to choose from. I am dying inside. I am beyond saving. I am just gonna watch my whole life slowly crumble before me.

It Has Begun

Oh yeah. The beginning of the end is finally here. Just let my dad in on what's been going on with my marriage recently and obviously he didn't take it too well. As expected. Anyway, met a long time war buddy earlier today. It's been a while since we last see each other. He was deeply saddened by the tragedy that has befallen my wife and I. But I told him it's just a natural, evolving process for a reset. Start from scratch. Build something anew. But first, I have to go through this hell on Earth before I return to my old self. Despite knowing for a fact that jobs are scarce these days but we just have to keep trying. There's no giving up now!

Like, fuck it, you know. All this happened because of my fucking stupid family. That's as far as I can say for now. We were happy then but apparently, there were those who felt exactly the opposite. Typical cretin. And yeah, just heard dad wailing and yelling in dismay outside of my room, regretting what my marriage has come to. Absolute fucktard. Twat doesn't even understand my need as a husband and a father as if he has never married at all. The same goes with the rest of my goddamned siblings. Yeah I know I'm gonna get flak for this, for telling the truth about our separation but what the fuck else should I do? I've been bottling my emotions and feelings for as long as I live, and my wife often falls prey to my frustration. It has to stop and it has to stop now. So this is what's best for us. I know some dumb fucks are going to be rejoicing over the revelation, particularly that whore of a sister of mine. She's definitely going to say "What I have been telling you? Their marriage won't last long!" Well you stupid cunt, I have some bad news for you; my wife and I are going back in the near future but first things first, I have to secure my foothold as a person. And once I did, it's going to be a big FUCK YOU in your motherfucking face.

Well, I guess I am a bit tired today. Been driving aimlessly not knowing where to go but to carry this broken heart of mine. And I am sure my wife feels the same, if not a lot more painful. I am sad. She is sad. Our son doesn't understand but he definitely can feel there is something amiss between his mom and dad. I am sorry my son, daddy has to make this decision. A tough one. But it is not the end!

PSOne Revisited!

While I am dealing with loss, sadness and confusion, I have made some videos of me playing classic Playstation games, particularly Gran Turismo 2 and SmackDown! Here Comes the Pain. These two are some of my favorite because how god-tier the super fun is. Well, check out the video below!

I really love the exhaust note of XKR Coupe in this game. It has that deep end bass rumble that sounds cool at high volume. Although my driving is noticeably horrible, it is so much fun to be able to play Gran Turismo 2 at times when everyone is playing hyper realistic games on Playstation 4. This game has aged very well and it is undoubtedly one of the best racing games in recent memory.

...and I couldn't find the other video. Shit. Whatever happened to the search engine.

2017: It Comes and it Goes..and it Goes Away Forever

Assalamualaikum warahmatulahi wabarakatuh semua. Mana-mana pembaca yang sudi membaca catatan ku ani, selamat datang ku ucapkan, termasuk para operatives KDN (Keselamatan Dalam Negeri) atau ISD (Internal Security Department) yang sedari dulu telah memerhati gerak geri ku yang sememangnya langsung inda membahayakan kepentingan negara, jauh sekali takhta kerajaan peribadi baginda.

Nada apa apa yang baru. It's just that I am feeling so miserable right now because my wife and I are about to file for divorce. I won't go into the details but yeah, I totally feel like shit right now. I am unemployed and by that means I have zero savings. My wife will definitely get custody of our son but at least she will still allow me to visit him every once in a while because let's face it, he needs his father too. All this started happening when my family didn't approve of our relationship from the start. I wasn't too happy about it but my then girlfriend who is going to be my ex sooner felt differently about our relationship. Different in a way that she has shown me how life is not all doom and gloom even if the people around us are trying to rip us apart... Apparently, whatever that's left from the hatred and anger that have been directed toward us are finally winning, I am set to lose in this game of life.

I love my wife and I love my son, no doubt about it. But something about our relationship and marriage just doesn't seem to work out, not especially when I am torn between trying to appease my parents and being happy with my wife and kid. This is probably the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. I have never been good at trying to keep other people happy and I have often failed miserably at the end, and this is no different. It's just way too horrible and I never knew it would hit me so bad to the core that I am left feeling depressed even before the ink on the divorce petition is drying. Well not yet anyway. That's me. Just imagine what my wife is going through right now when she is hit with the revelation that I am divorcing her. Yes, I was the one who initiated the move.

I don't know what else to say here. I am stuck in a loop of sorrow that seems endless. But I know for sure one thing that has come to an end; our marriage. So far my eldest (oldest?) brother is the only one who knows about this. I can't bring myself to tell the news to my parents just yet. Wait until tomorrow or the day after.. But one thing is certain, they are not going to receive it that well.