Kalau ini macam la kau mau buat business, memang layaklah business mu inda mau maju. Bodoh punya orang Brunei.
Friday, December 20, 2019
Thursday, December 12, 2019
Go Banana with CS 1.6
Still playing this game as of December 2019. Here I am experimenting with planting a C4 inside a driveable truck. The map is de_bridge. No additional mods have been performed. Just normal gameplay with silly idea.
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
שְׁאוֹל - Sepulchral Ruins Below the Temple
שְׁאוֹל is a very short-lived project. The band didn't get to release an album except a demo, an EP and a split release with Swedish blackened death group Fōr. Despite this, שְׁאוֹל have managed to crack the ground beneath from which they were spawned with a couple of strong tracks not unlike Vorum, among others.
Hailing from the United Kingdom, this type of sound that שְׁאוֹל were promoting sounded rather peculiar along the shores. Immediate comparison can be drawn with the likes of Cruciamentum and Grave Miasma as well as its distant Mediterranean cousin, Dead Congregation. However, they retained that unique feel in their composition which was referred to as "cavern core" by some metal fans. There are doomy moments on this EP with a healthy amount of skull-smashing blast beats and of course, the thick chainsaw guitars.
Unfortunately, they didn't last long enough to release a record or two although they did go on several tours prior to dissolution. Sepulchral Ruins Below the Temple remains as שְׁאוֹל most sadistic, unrelenting offering to this undeserving world. The band also paid homage to their ancestor namely Darkthrone by covering Cromlech.
Track list:
1. Spiritual Dessication 02:16
2. Deluge of Tehom 04:48
3. Perpetual Descent into She'ol 06:27
4. Katachthomb 3:00
5. Sepulchral Ruins Below the Temple 04:20
6. Cromlech (Darkthrone Cover) 04:37
Total time: 25:28
Format: .mp3
Channels: Stereo
Sampling Rate: 44 kHz
Bit Rate: 320 kbps (CBR)
Total Size: 63.1 Mb
Official: Encyclopaedia Metallum | Facebook
Official Merchandise:
Monday, December 09, 2019
(0|\|qv3r |)1v1d3
I didn't post anything on this blog for the whole of 2018 because I got caught up with work and whatnot but now, I am back! And what better way to return than to start off with Conquer Divide eponymous debut; a record that in my opinion is so underrated even by its own standards.
The band combines heavier elements of hardcore with constant dosage of New Wave of American Heavy Metal ala Bullet for My Valentine and Trivium. The twist? Everything you hear on this record is performed by women. That's right. Conquer Divide is an all-female outfit! That should stop you right in the track.
All you sexists can complain all you want but I give this record a near perfect score of 9.5 out 10 because it's just so damn good! This is the kind of metalcore / hardcore stuff that I really love. It is packed full of energy while at the same time never forgetting to have fun along the way.
There are of course two vocalists in this band. Kiarelly Castillo handles the clean, poppy vocal that can put Katy Perry and Cardi B to shame while synchronising her beauty with beastly screams courtesy of Janel. The guitars are creative and competent. The hooks are catchy despite being distortion heavy. The breakdowns make you want to smack your neighbors, co workers, president, sultan, or any human being to oblivion. When the gang shout kicks in, goosebumps set in.
Conquer Divide does not neglect the need to slow things down and when they do, they are as beautiful as ever. Mellow tracks are performed with no less grace as with the other songs. Acoustic passages are employed at the right places where they are most effective to get you hooked even more.
Unfortunately, Conquer Divide is somewhat on hiatus as of December 2019. With many band members leaving the group, they have yet to release a second album. It's like they throw everything they had on the debut they ran out of idea to make a second one.
So, what the fuck are you guys waiting for? Go ahead and buy their record! This is such a big surprise for me given the fact that I don't really listen to metalcore stuff a lot. Sink Your Teeth into This!
The band combines heavier elements of hardcore with constant dosage of New Wave of American Heavy Metal ala Bullet for My Valentine and Trivium. The twist? Everything you hear on this record is performed by women. That's right. Conquer Divide is an all-female outfit! That should stop you right in the track.
All you sexists can complain all you want but I give this record a near perfect score of 9.5 out 10 because it's just so damn good! This is the kind of metalcore / hardcore stuff that I really love. It is packed full of energy while at the same time never forgetting to have fun along the way.
There are of course two vocalists in this band. Kiarelly Castillo handles the clean, poppy vocal that can put Katy Perry and Cardi B to shame while synchronising her beauty with beastly screams courtesy of Janel. The guitars are creative and competent. The hooks are catchy despite being distortion heavy. The breakdowns make you want to smack your neighbors, co workers, president, sultan, or any human being to oblivion. When the gang shout kicks in, goosebumps set in.
Conquer Divide does not neglect the need to slow things down and when they do, they are as beautiful as ever. Mellow tracks are performed with no less grace as with the other songs. Acoustic passages are employed at the right places where they are most effective to get you hooked even more.
Unfortunately, Conquer Divide is somewhat on hiatus as of December 2019. With many band members leaving the group, they have yet to release a second album. It's like they throw everything they had on the debut they ran out of idea to make a second one.
So, what the fuck are you guys waiting for? Go ahead and buy their record! This is such a big surprise for me given the fact that I don't really listen to metalcore stuff a lot. Sink Your Teeth into This!
Track list:
1. Sink Your Teeth Into This 03:20
2. Self Destruct 04:01
3. Eyes Wide Shut 03:50
4. Nightmares 05:22
5. Lost 03:50
6. What's Left Inside 04:33
7. At War 04:03
8. Despicable You 04:10
9. Heavy Lies the Crown 04:12
10. Broken 05:58
Total time: 43:18
Format: .mp3
Channels: Stereo
Sampling Rate: 48 kHz
Bit Rate: 320 (ABR)
Total size: 99.1 Mb
Password: manifestationovevil
Official: Facebook
Diabvlvs in Mvsica - (2016) Earthly Illusions [Single]
How does Spain respond to The Netherlands' Epica? This. Exists. Such an underrated band with great musical arrangements and sense of melody. Unlike most symphonic metal bands out there where the guitarist often does the growl, Diabvlvs in Mvsica has the keyboardist growling his way where he sees fit. And the result is no less impressive than what most bands are capable of. This single shows a great improvement from their previous offerings with added speed and aggression that is balanced out with beautiful strings and orchestration. Of course, Zuberoa Aznarez is such a talented singer and instrumentalist as well.
Read the Review here!
Track list:
1. Earthly Illusions 05:04
Total time: 05:04
Format: .mp3
Channels: Stereo
Sampling Rate: 44 kHz
Bit Rate: 320 kbps (CBR)
Size: 11.7 Mb
Password: manifestationovevil
Official Merchandise: Napalm Records
ருத்ரா - (2009) பிரம்மவித்யா ஆழ்நிலை I
Here we have an overlooked gem from the island of Singapore. If you are not familiar with them, go check them out here. This was originally ripped to .flac but I lost the rip somehow so all I have now is the .mp3 version, which is still quite decent given the quality.
Track list:
1. Bhagavatpada Namaskara 01:20
2. Ravens of Paradise 05:46
3. Amrtasyaputra 06:03
4. Hymns from the Blazing Chariot 06:57
5. Meditations at Dawn 04:55
6. Advaitamrta 04:50
7. Natural Born Ignorance 06:07
8. Immortality Roars 02:14
9. Reversing the Currents 05:32
10. Venerable Opposites 05:46
11. Avidya Nivrtti 04:48
12. Not the Seen But the Seer 04:52
13. Adiguru Namastubhyam 02:07
14. Majestic Ashtavkra 06:25
Total time: 67:47
Format: .mp3
Channels: Stereo
Sampling Rate: 44 kHz
Bitrate: ABR / CBR (320 kbps)
Password: manifestationovevil
/\/\0dj0 - 74dy (|-|34r /\/\3 +0|\|1g|-|+)
:format(jpeg):mode_rgb():quality(90)/discogs-images/R-1592614-1287838385.jpeg.jpg)
We are back with a renewed offensive, this time targeting commercially produced single by this particular entity, which I am not going to mention by name here. So go ahead, try and download it. See if you like it. I haven't been doing this in such a long time so I'm a bit rusty at the moment.
Track list:
1. Lady (Hear Me Tonight) - Radio Edit 03:48
2. Lady (Hear Me Tonight) - Album Version 05:05
Total time: 08:54
Technical details:
Format: .flac
Bits: 16
Channels: 2
Sampling Rate: 44 kHz
Total size: 65.9 Mb
Password: manifestationovevil
Sunday, December 08, 2019
Wonder Woman 1984 Trailer
The new trailer for upcoming Wonder Woman 1984 just dropped. We get to see Chris Pine back in action with Gal Gadot. Strangely, there has yet to be an explanation on how Chris Pine character was brought back to life. Was it time travel? Was he suspended in animation? When the trailer premiered on YouTube, majority of the comments parroted a line from the film; "It's just a trash can". It seems that this film has given birth to yet another meme that will forever be remembered prior to the end of 2019.
Either way, I sense no elements of wokeness whatsoever from the trailer. It's Wonder Woman after all.
Karacoma's Let Me Breathe vs Arch Enemy's Shadows and Dust
Rest assured that I did all these videos out of fun. If you were somehow offended by the content, please let me know. After all, these videos are not meant to be taken seriously.
Comparing The Gathering's Locked Away with Radiohead (Nice Dream)
Now, this may or may not come as a surprise to you lot especially if you are fans of either or both bands. I must say the similarity is too obvious to ignore. Try and listen for yourself.
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Excel Writes! Copyright!
Ask around some millennials about heavy metal and they will come up with different answers for what the latter is or how it sounds like. Try and mention 'Metallica' to them, there's probably a good chance that some of them will say they have heard 'Enter Sandman' at one point or another. Well why not. It's the most listened to single from Metallica. I mean, even Nightwish takes some cues for their epic title track Endless Forms Most Beautiful. Plus, it's a good song to jam to when you are just getting started in metal. Add to the fact that it also happens to be the band's most accessible works to date; gone is the technicality from And Justice for All in favor of straightforward, commercial songwriting.
Well then, what's with the 0 per cent? I let you in on a little secret that is not so secret; Enter Sandman is an absolute rip-off of Excel's Tapping into the Emotional Void from the album Joke's on You which was released in 1989. Fans may have known this for years but some choose to dismiss it as pure coincidence. However, knowing Lars and James penchant for incorporating suspicious ideas into their songwriting, this may not come as a surprise at all.
Again, this is not the first time they did it.
Let's backtrack a little bit to 1986. Most seasoned metalheads whether or not they like Metallica will immediately remember the chilling opening of Welcome Home (Sanitarium). Casual listeners may not immediately notice that the riff is taken from Rainbow Warrior which was recorded in 1980 by Bleak House; a NWOBHM band that not many people today will know. Call it what you will, inspiration, an homage but let's face it, this is stealing.
Some of us may consider Ride the Lightning as the only Metallica album that matters and it's for a few good reasons too. However, I'm not going to explain what those reasons are. The record is not without its merits. But let's not forget that solo part in For Whom the Bell Tolls is strikingly similar to the lead guitar in Black Sabbath's Fairies Wear Boots (which by the way was released in 1971). Similarly, Fade to Black has Iron Maiden's Children of the Damned written all over it as well.
So, where does that leave us? Here we have a mid-paced banger with significantly heavier bass and clear production altogether. You can hear the instrumentation loud and crystal. It also reveals Lars Ulrich true nature as a drummer that he can't play for shit as he used to. This also marks the beginning of James' foray into "yeah yeah" vocal shit that would drag the whole band into just another dad's rock outfit that is no longer relevant to metal as a whole while Kirk obstinately clings to his wah wah pedal for dramatic effect. At first, it was enjoyable to listen to but this song alone loses its credibility after realising that it is a blatant rip off.
Good luck with trying to enjoy Metallica's rendition of Stone Cold Crazy. It's annoying as fuck. I'd rather listen to the original than this travesty. Enough said.
I consider myself to be a fan of Metallica. At least I used to. Nevertheless, this utter crap doesn't deserve all the hype and respect. It's piracy. You want to know what robbery in broad daylight sounds like? This is it. Because of songs like these Metallica's popularity is overblown to the point that other thrash bands have trouble trying to make an impact when they should. Metallica doesn't even deserve a place in the Big 4. Morbid Saint wrote Assassin and to this date is pretty much one of the most brutal, balls out thrash anthem that actually embodies the genre in one song. Toxik blows everything out of the water with Doors to Hell. A song that is technically more complex and challenging to listen to but fun at the same time. History of a Time to Come contains far more riffs than all the tracks in Black Album put together. Have you ever come across thrash hall of fame where bands like Forbidden, Heathen, Toxik, Morbid Saint, Rigor Mortis are mentioned in one breath as Metallica? Ten out of ten it's a nope. Metallica is to thrash metal what Justin Bieber is to pop. It's a case of corporate advertising, selling to us products that are easy to digest and consume. Products that prevent us from putting in extra effort in trying to appreciate what good music sounds like or in this case, good thrash metal. To think that Metaliica steal riffs here and there and got away with it is treacherous. Yet they have to guts to file a lawsuit against Napster for copyright infringement and illegally sharing their songs online. It's hypocrisy of the highest order.
Stop lying to yourself. This is no longer a go-to song if you want to explore thrash or heavy metal in general. Well, it's probably too late to say that anyway.
Well then, what's with the 0 per cent? I let you in on a little secret that is not so secret; Enter Sandman is an absolute rip-off of Excel's Tapping into the Emotional Void from the album Joke's on You which was released in 1989. Fans may have known this for years but some choose to dismiss it as pure coincidence. However, knowing Lars and James penchant for incorporating suspicious ideas into their songwriting, this may not come as a surprise at all.
Again, this is not the first time they did it.
Let's backtrack a little bit to 1986. Most seasoned metalheads whether or not they like Metallica will immediately remember the chilling opening of Welcome Home (Sanitarium). Casual listeners may not immediately notice that the riff is taken from Rainbow Warrior which was recorded in 1980 by Bleak House; a NWOBHM band that not many people today will know. Call it what you will, inspiration, an homage but let's face it, this is stealing.
Some of us may consider Ride the Lightning as the only Metallica album that matters and it's for a few good reasons too. However, I'm not going to explain what those reasons are. The record is not without its merits. But let's not forget that solo part in For Whom the Bell Tolls is strikingly similar to the lead guitar in Black Sabbath's Fairies Wear Boots (which by the way was released in 1971). Similarly, Fade to Black has Iron Maiden's Children of the Damned written all over it as well.
So, where does that leave us? Here we have a mid-paced banger with significantly heavier bass and clear production altogether. You can hear the instrumentation loud and crystal. It also reveals Lars Ulrich true nature as a drummer that he can't play for shit as he used to. This also marks the beginning of James' foray into "yeah yeah" vocal shit that would drag the whole band into just another dad's rock outfit that is no longer relevant to metal as a whole while Kirk obstinately clings to his wah wah pedal for dramatic effect. At first, it was enjoyable to listen to but this song alone loses its credibility after realising that it is a blatant rip off.
Good luck with trying to enjoy Metallica's rendition of Stone Cold Crazy. It's annoying as fuck. I'd rather listen to the original than this travesty. Enough said.
I consider myself to be a fan of Metallica. At least I used to. Nevertheless, this utter crap doesn't deserve all the hype and respect. It's piracy. You want to know what robbery in broad daylight sounds like? This is it. Because of songs like these Metallica's popularity is overblown to the point that other thrash bands have trouble trying to make an impact when they should. Metallica doesn't even deserve a place in the Big 4. Morbid Saint wrote Assassin and to this date is pretty much one of the most brutal, balls out thrash anthem that actually embodies the genre in one song. Toxik blows everything out of the water with Doors to Hell. A song that is technically more complex and challenging to listen to but fun at the same time. History of a Time to Come contains far more riffs than all the tracks in Black Album put together. Have you ever come across thrash hall of fame where bands like Forbidden, Heathen, Toxik, Morbid Saint, Rigor Mortis are mentioned in one breath as Metallica? Ten out of ten it's a nope. Metallica is to thrash metal what Justin Bieber is to pop. It's a case of corporate advertising, selling to us products that are easy to digest and consume. Products that prevent us from putting in extra effort in trying to appreciate what good music sounds like or in this case, good thrash metal. To think that Metaliica steal riffs here and there and got away with it is treacherous. Yet they have to guts to file a lawsuit against Napster for copyright infringement and illegally sharing their songs online. It's hypocrisy of the highest order.
Stop lying to yourself. This is no longer a go-to song if you want to explore thrash or heavy metal in general. Well, it's probably too late to say that anyway.
Note: Originally written for http://metal-archives.com/ but was rejected due to lack of content and substance.
Monday, April 03, 2017
Dendam Perawang Bunting
Inilah dia sedikit sedutan dari filem kegemaran aku yang inda lain inda bukan, berjudu Dendam Perawan Bunting. Memang susah untuk ku percaya bila aku terserempak dengan clip film ani di YouTube. Pada mulanya aku tu cuma buang boring, type dendam perawan bunting arah Google search. Inda semena-mena ada thumbnail bertajuk ""Filem Dendam Perawan Bunting 1988". Punyalah aku teruja, cakap pun inda guna. Tapi apabila sudah ku amati, yang ku sangka full length film ani rupanya cuma sedutan saja. Adooiii...!! Sedutan ani telah dimuatnaik oleh, what appears to be a Malaysian female who goes by the name Zaidatul Noraziha Kamaruddin.
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Way Back
Day in and day out feeling like a miserable little twat hit in the face with a mid-life crisis. The latter pretty much describes the situation I'm in right now. However, I've decided to forego doom and gloom for this particular blog entry. Instead, I'm going to let you in on the other side of my favorite songs from back in the days. I shall in this post describe the significance of each song, what it means to me back then and how it has shaped the way I entertained myself in times of need. Most of these songs were once played on local radio stations so some of you who aren't citizens of this country may not be able to relate to what I am about to say. Okie dokey. Here goes nothing.
Gala - Freed from Desire
I can't find the radio version of this song on YouTube for some reason. Anyway, this song was a huge hit in Brunei. It was also one of the songs played at Jerudong Park simulator which is all the more reason for its inclusion on this list. Freed from Desire also ties in with other similarly popular tunes that came out in 1997. Most of which I also am going to include further down this list.
Des'ree - You Gotta Be
I've spent nearly two decades searching for this song. At first I thought it was sung by Gabrielle. The vocal style is a little bit similar to one another. I remember listening to this song when it was first aired on a tv commercial back in the mid 90s. God I can't exactly recall but it was probably some time in 1995? Either way, this is one of those long lost songs from my childhood and thanks to the internet (and my ex-wife), I'm finally reunited with You Gotta Be.
Mark Morrison - Return of the Mack
Not sure if this version represents the exact same song that I enjoyed a lot listening to as a kid growing up in the 90s. Return of the Mack also received a good amount of airplay on our local radio stations. Listening to it now in 2017 surely brings some good old memories.
Ultra - Say it Once
How about twice? Or a few times? This song doesn't get old but it has aged very well for certain. Simply one of my all time favorite. Whenever I listen to this song, things that immediately come to mind will be Tommy Hilfiger perfume for women and Volcano starring Tommy Lee Jones. One of the members looked a lot like my cousin from Singapore.
Diana King - Shy Guy
Oh Lord have mercy mercy mercy! How can anyone forget this song? While Shy Guy is a one-hit-wonder, the tune has made a lasting impression to those who appreciate good music and nostalgia.
Seal - Kiss from the Rose
Batman Forever has never made it to my list of favorite superhero films but the primary soundtrack that accompanies it does. The film is nowhere near iconic as the main theme that comes with it. This is one of two songs recorded by Seal that I really love to listen to whenever I get the chance, the other being the remixed version of My Vision with Jakatta.
Ini Kamoze - Here Comes the Hot Stepper
Again, I can't seem to find the actual music video for this song. This song is definitely memorable and I only realised about it after having forgotten it for over two decades. That 'na na' part is the reason why I remember this song because there was another song that used 'na na'. Both are ancient! Murderer!!
Inner Circle - Games People Play (Joe South Cover)
This is the song I previously hinted in the list above. While I haven't heard the original, the version performed by Inner Circle is one soul-lifting reggae tune. It's hard not to sing along to as well.
Fun Factory - I Wanna Be with U
So yeah, this is yet another addictive sing-along tune to ease your troubled mind. It is memorable, it is catchy, absolutely fun to listen to.
La Bouche - Be My Lover
The beats are simple. The hooks are catchy. This song is pretty much your average dance floor shaker from the 90s but it is simply nostalgic to listen to after all these years.
Bon Jovi - Always
I've never been a huge of Bon Jovi but they have such a phenomenal success in the industry which sees them gain massive following around the world. For this one, I consider myself as a casual listener. Nevertheless, I appreciate the band's effort in making this song because it sticks with me from the get go. And of course, as a kid I was curious as to what those man and woman are doing in the music video. It's not until 9 that I began to learn what it actually was! Damn I was innocent.
Savage Garden - To the Moon and Back
This song without a doubt was a massive hit worldwide. I loved it back then, I sang to its lyrics and I still pretty much do now. Seriously, who would forget the chorus? The atmosphere is rich with nocturnal delight and the spacey synthesizer effects help to further prove its worth as one of the best songs to have ever come out in 1997. Period.
Fun Factory - Do Wah Diddy (The Exciters Cover)
Originally written and performed by a girl group based in Queens, New York, Fun Factory dance remake was and still is a memorable gem that stood the test of time.
Fun Factory - Take Your Chance
We're still here at the dance floor and Take Your Chance is yet another tune that you can gyrate to. Fun Factory definitely had a fair share of chart success thanks to its unique and addictive music.
East-17 - If You Ever (Featuring Gabrielle)
"From the very first time that I saw your brown eyes, my lips said 'hello' and you said 'hi'. I knew from there you were the one"... Not sure if I got it right but this instant classic is way up there on my all-time favorite playlist. The music is simply beautiful. There is a lot of room for growth within its four minute run and Gabrielle's powerful vocal works in harmony with the rest of the boys from East-17. I mean, come on, this is way better than the garbage churned out by Kanye West and Nicki Minaj combined.
The Cranberries - Salvation
As much as I love listening to 'Zombie', it wasn't until I first heard Salvation that I began to truly appreciate The Cranberries. Salvation didn't actually reach chart success on local radio stations but the song was a staple for much of 1996. Like most of the songs listed here, this is simply nostalgic.
Gabrielle - Give Me a Little More Time
I think this is the first song from Gabrielle that I have ever listened to. It has a massive sound but the overall pace is replete with grace and humility; a fitting debut from lovely Gabrielle. I was listening to this song while waiting for The X-Files to air on local tv.
Bryan Adams - Do I Have to Say the Words?
We downshift the gear all the way to 1991 but it wasn't until two years later when Bryan Adams released a compilation titled So Far So Good that 'Do I Have to Say the Words' became my all time favorite. Not gonna lie, I didn't know who he was until after I listened to the compilation. I was really a small kid at that time.
Celine Dion - Falling into You
You think I'm kidding, right? I'm not. Although I kind of observed how lots of people are making fun of her on the internet, Celine Dion is one hell of a singer. Her voice is mesmerizing. This is the song where she shines the most and it's a lot less cliched than, say, My Heart Will Go on (although I love that song too). The title track is sung in ethereal passion (that's as close as to how I think it is). The saxophone solo is also very effective in letting your mood sink into the song's majestic composition.
I'm going to continue the list for another entry on another day. I'm currently typing this around 0204 hours in the morning and my revenant-like mother is as restless as ever, rambling about things that are so difficult to comprehend. Expect more nostalgia coming your way on the next episode!
Bryan Adams - Do I Have to Say the Words?
We downshift the gear all the way to 1991 but it wasn't until two years later when Bryan Adams released a compilation titled So Far So Good that 'Do I Have to Say the Words' became my all time favorite. Not gonna lie, I didn't know who he was until after I listened to the compilation. I was really a small kid at that time.
Celine Dion - Falling into You
You think I'm kidding, right? I'm not. Although I kind of observed how lots of people are making fun of her on the internet, Celine Dion is one hell of a singer. Her voice is mesmerizing. This is the song where she shines the most and it's a lot less cliched than, say, My Heart Will Go on (although I love that song too). The title track is sung in ethereal passion (that's as close as to how I think it is). The saxophone solo is also very effective in letting your mood sink into the song's majestic composition.
I'm going to continue the list for another entry on another day. I'm currently typing this around 0204 hours in the morning and my revenant-like mother is as restless as ever, rambling about things that are so difficult to comprehend. Expect more nostalgia coming your way on the next episode!
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Edge of Sanity
So here I am, languishing inside my room of old. At this very moment, my mom meracau racau pasal ia sudah lali. She's been hit in the head one too many time. No kidding. Each and every night she would ramble about petty things, getting mad if we seemed to ignore her bellyaching. You see, Islam mewajibkan umatnya untuk mentaati parents. I'd say damn well we should. Looking at her now is like staring at my future. Will I end up like her? Given our family history, it's really not that impossible.
It is now a struggle trying to make her stay in bed and fall asleep. My asshole siblings are having trouble sleeping too at night because of what our mother has become. Well, I for one have to put up with her shit as long as she is alive because it would be to obvious if she dies in my care. Guess I'll never remarry. I am broke. BND$1 is all I have left in my wallet. Top that off with being unemployed, and you have a perfect recipe for a fucked up life beyond recognition. It's really depressing, from having to take care of my sick demented mother to realising the fact that I may as well end up as a failure in life. Something that I thought was behind me when I was first married to my then wife.
I don't even know how my son is doing now. All I know he is being well taken care of by my ex and her sister. I guess I would never know if I were able to spend time with him anymore. At least not while my parents are still alive. But even if they are dead it would probably be too late by then. Yes. This is the point in life where I feel like a complete failure. My other siblings they have it all. They have jobs, they keep their wives, they keep their husbands (sic), they have children, they have money. But I? Nothing. And that's exactly what I have right now. All I'm gonna do now is to wait until my mother rot from natural causes. I never regret saying things about my mother that most people deemed horrible. She never did too anyway. Why would she? She has said pretty much every horrible thing imaginable, and she still is pretty much now.
In between her dementia-fueled senilistic tirade, I was surprised that she has expressed concerns about my wife and kid. Of course, she doesn't know the truth yet. I leave that to my other whore of a sister to spill the beans because that's what that whore is good at. Anyway, her concerns although legit in nature, they aren't warm with sincerity. In all honesty, my family doesn't give a fuck about me, let alone my wife and kid. My dad in particular is a complete asshole who never gives a fuck about my kid or the fact that I have one. All he knows is trying to get me to return to the very house in which I am currently imprisoned at the moment. To him, I am nothing more than his property in human form. And he's been breathing down my neck ever since he found out that I was unemployed early this year. The plan was for me to get some cash and get the fuck out of this country. But that plan was cut short. All because I was trying to play both sides, between pleasing my unbelievably mentally ill family and fulfilling my duty as both husband and father at the same time. It's so easy for you to say that I should as a husband know how to manage this seemingly trivial bullshit. It is not. Especially when every one is trying their best to pull me into the vortex of inescapable agony while they gleefully flee from the resulting maelstrom of depravity.
At this point I highly doubt that things are going to change for the better. It's only getting worse from now on. And I am smacked dab in the middle of everything that is wrong. Depressed much? You bet. Without a job and having no money while taking care of a senile, rotting abomination, there isn't that much of an option to choose from. I am dying inside. I am beyond saving. I am just gonna watch my whole life slowly crumble before me.
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